It’s been “raining” ice since the middle of the night and we are snuggled down in our little house awaiting the 6-8 inches of snow that is said to be coming next. My mother has already called to check on us and her comment, “You haven’t even mentioned the weather,” has caused me to take pause. I have seen more snow this winter than the previous 40 years combined and the temperatures have been lower than I have ever experienced in my life. No, it isn’t a non-issue. Truth is, life is spinning so fast I just don’t have time to gather my thoughts on the weather, much less communicate them to others.
That is the summation of my life right now. It takes such concentration to get through the day-to-day that I don’t have time to think too intensively and I sure don’t have the opportunity to communicate it. . . and so the blog is bare, my journal is empty, and my life is probably looking pretty shallow to outsiders. I don’t think it is bad choices that have put me here. . . it’s the natural ebb of life and the surprises the LORD has injected into our plans. I’m going to process a bit now and I’m going to do it here so my “blogger’s guilt” is satisfied and my family feels communicated with.
I’m working 35 hours a week, which I never intended to do. I go in to the church at 7:30 a.m. and take the kiddos with me for school. I work through lunch so I can get the hours I need and then leave with my kiddos at 3. On so many levels it is the ideal situation: I love the “company” I work for, I get to be with my kiddos when they are off school, I get to see the kids throughout the day since we are in the same building , and I have flexibility if someone should get sick, etc. As thankful as I am, I must admit I struggle with never being without my children, not yet having victory in cooking decent food when I am gone all day, having patience with and caring for my family after focusing my attention on other things all day, and more. I just want to be busy at home and The Lord has called me to this other thing for now.
Honey is not working at present. In January the seminary “laid off” six employees and Honey was one. It was a complete shock, handled poorly, and super hurtful to my uber-loyal husband. The last month has been full of resume writing, networking meetings, counseling, dreaming, and (let’s be honest) worry and fear. Honey has his own set of demons to struggle with (and he can blog those himself), but I would say that my energy has been spent fighting against sin and straining to do what’s best. I know worry is wrong and I feel like it has been a physically taxing struggle to choose that “in everything, with prayer and supplication, and with thanksgiving” I’ll make my requests known to God. The peace I feel when I fight this fight is truly beyond all understanding . . . I guess I just never knew it could be so exhausting to choose right. I want THE WALK to be easy and The Lord has called me to this other thing for now.
Since we don’t have a job and don’t know our next step, there are TONS of decisions I would normally be making now that I am not. We got the news just days before re-enrollment began at school. Seems logical that we would just re-enroll and if we aren’t in St. Louis we give back our spot. Sounds easy, but there are registration fees that are pretty exorbitant with portions that are non-refundable and we may not end up in a situation that can afford private school anymore. I don’t want to spend a month of grocery money on fees for a decision we can’t really commit to, right? Also it’s the time to get early-bird rates on summer camps too. (All I can hear in my head is Honey saying, “first world struggles”). Do we sign up for camps? Do we do baseball this year? I want to know the plan and I want life to have structure, but The Lord has called me to walk in faith through this other thing for now.
While all this inner-turmoil is going on there’s the external stuff of life unfolding each day as well: conversations with my son about repentance, emotions as my first-born turns ten, tears as my youngest navigates the surprisingly emotional waters of relationships in Kindergarten, engagement as my Honey processes a new dream brewing or old sin dealt with, dishes in the sink, laundry in the basement, thank-you notes to write, pants to hem, lost coats to find, and, and, and. . . all these things are part of this thing The Lord has called me to for now.
God tells us that He knows the plans He has for us and He says they are plans not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future. I’m struggling to see it when this thing He has called me to for now seems the antithesis of good in my limited sight. Please pray that if I never understand His plan, that I would still trust that my Lord’s promises are true and He will never forsake me. Please pray that as we make plans The Lord will keep His promise to direct our steps. Please pray that I will be found faithful and that the way I handle this will be a testimony to the truth of the Gospel. Seems like that is the thing He has called me to for now.